When your job hinges on how well you talk to people, you learn a lot about how to have conversations — and that most of us don't converse very well. Celeste Headlee has worked as a radio host for decades, and she knows the ingredients of a great conversation: Honesty, brevity, clarity and a healthy amount of listening. In this insightful talk, she shares 10 useful rules for having better conversations. "Go out, talk to people, listen to people," she says. "And, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed."
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Just a minor point, but I don’t think that we should be conditioning our conversations on trying to make sure that we’re not offending anyone. If they’re offended by anything, quite honestly, I believe they should just suck it up.
The world is an offensive place, and we’re not going to advance as a society and culture trying to make it less so.
It would probably be better for that to be a consequence of ACTUAL ways to improve society, such as better conversation, better schooling (that would hopefully have better conversations pinned under it), and other things.
Edit: I also disagree with the sentiment that you simply shouldn’t bring up an experience of yours that’s analogous with theirs because they’re, quote, “never the same”. Of course they’re not going to be the same, the point of bringing up an analogous situation is to compare and contrast and make any logical deductions you can from them.
I don’t know what sorts of conversations you’re having, but I never bring up an analogous situation to prove something about myself, or to make it about myself, period. I do it to draw from that experience to offer some kind of advice, helpful or not, and if I know that that advice isn’t going to be a slam-dunk, which, admittedly, is the case most of the time, I’ll acknowledge that fact, but that shouldn’t serve as grounds to not bring up the analogous situation at all or draw from it if possible.
Edit 2: 8:07 “It is not about you.” 8:59 “What they care about is you.”
So which is it?? Is or isn’t the conversation about me? Or is it just the case that we should treat the situation as if all parties in a discussion are equally important?
I’m not sure why, this little contradiction just irritated me a little bit. And quite honestly, I could slightly be misunderstanding what the difference here is, if there is one.
If there isn’t one though, then be more consistent.
#7 Try not to repeat yourself and early she said don't repeat back what the person said to you. I am curious when a person gives you verbal instructions it's meant to be remembered otherwise they would have wrote it down. Since its verbal instructions how not summarize and repeat the instructions back to the person in order for them not to endless repeat what the same instructions over again?
I do not have conversations anymore because most of the people I encounter just want to talk, not to listen. If I followed her advise, would it be better? No. She is assuming people want to engage when in reality, again, the only thing they want to do is talk and be right.
Also, "forget the details". What a shallow way to have a conversation.
Great talk. The most annoying thing people do is listen to you describe an experience you had that was important to you, and they immediately reply with a similar experience they had, rendering your experience unimportant because they have turned the attention to themselves. Stop doing that.
Is she aware of today's society? People are mostly full of crap and there is pretty much nothing amazing about most people. Imagine coming across a hardcore Trump supporter and you try to keep your mouth shut and listen to a load of bullshit. Keeping it short clean interesting bla bla.. i get all that and it makes sense. But that part about waiting to be amazed and not getting dissapointed ever? That is just plain bullshit.
Some of the best conversations I’ve ever had were complete gibberish with my friends, but we listened to each other, and we cared what the other one had to say. There’s no better feeling than knowing the person you’re talking to doesn’t want to just respond to what your saying, but actually wants to have a real conversation, even when it’s nonsense.
#6 I can hardly say anything to a friend who doesn’t come back with how she, feels or her experiences about what I just said. How can I get her to stop that. I hardly ever get to fully express myself, the topic always goes back to her and I end up asking her questions about her experience just to keep the conversation going.
I seem to be her only friend, she has no family and lives up in the mountains. I try to keep this in mind when she does this, but I also think if she became aware of it she would be mindful and stop this habit. 😊
I appriciate your presentation a lot. But it's hard to put it in practice when I'm stuck 24 7 with the same group of people between my job and home. Every one becomes so predictable. I know exactly how they are going to react about every possible subject. And yes they wanna tell me about ALL their big fat problems but they won't listen to mine. I know when they're lying .. I know when they are deceitful ... So I started to shut myself from everyone. I read more, I use the Internet more and am happy about it
All I can say this is silly. None of this is necessary. Adults sitting around watching someone tell them how and what to do, say, and act during a conversation. Come on people, use your imagination! You don't need this over educated person, rather full of herself telling you how to converse via a formula.. Live and learn. Teach yourself. Just have something interesting to say. Please.
Number 11: Don't look at someone/an object/a scene over the speaker while they are talking/looking directly at you. You don't have to maintain direct eye-contact, but there is nothing ruder than tuning out for a moment while the other is talking, and looking directly at you.
Be sure to check out her talk at Savannah Book Fest this year on c-span.org BookTV. She cites the academic studies supporting her theses, and adds more info re: the length of people’s attention spans when listening.
I'm an introvert. I don't like talking to others even meet them.May be I'm so insane but i can't control myself. I usually stay at home, surf web to watch shows, films, learn chinese. i really feel to hate myself because of the lack of confidence and bravery. How should I change my timidity?
...... I think practicing writing comment is the useful way to improve english! The above sentences are true about myself.
Don't pontificate is right! I hate being lectured. Bill Nye - same advice as Dale Carnegie. - Some conversations wander all over the place to the point that by the time you think of something to say they've changed the subject. Some people are bad about repeating themselves, saying everything twice. Many group conversations are wrecked because someone can't stop talking.
This is good advice in many respects. But... I feel like too often I equate listening to the other person with not saying anything interesting about myself and then it just feels like an interview, like an interrogation. There's no mutual connection or understanding. How does the other person come away feeling connected to you if they don't know anything about you other than you're a good listener? Surely listening is important, but I struggle to make connections with people because I am never vulnerable about myself. Which makes this advice great. All I have to do is keep asking them questions and do not relate it to my own experiences. Hmm...I feel like there's something missing there.
-And do not confer favor to acquire more (Surah Al Muddaththir. Verse 6)
-And do not walk upon the earth exultantly. (Surah Al Isra. Verse 37)
-Does he (=people) think that never will anyone overcome him? (Surah Al Balad Verse 5)
-And the servants of the Most Merciful are those who walk upon the earth easily, and when the ignorant address them [harshly], they say [words of] peace. (Surah Furqan. Verse 63)
-O you who have believed, why do you say what you do not do? (Surah As Saf. Verse 2)
-And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. (Surah Al Isra Verse 23)
-Indeed, Allah commands you to render trusts to whom they are due and when you judge between people to judge with justice. Excellent is that which Allah instructs you. Indeed, Allah is ever Hearing and Seeing. (Surah An Nisa Verse 58)
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i absolutely despise when im talking about something that im struggling with and they bring their experience into it when clearly im talking about ME..it makes me feel nonexistent so i just either stop talking or tell them that 'im not talking about YOU', and i just wanna get outta there.
Sustaining a conversation is difficult for me personally because there is always a point where someone will not understand what I am saying either because my speech is sometimes I mumble or speak too fast, or my point does not get across.
I'm watching this for a school assignment, and while she was telling of the way people love to talk and how listening is a lot harder, two people next two me started screaming at each other about how each of them don't listen to the other. They hadn't even started the video yet.
1. Do not do several things at the same time (do not be distracted from the conversation).
2. Do not be clever. Nobody loves everyone.
3. Ask open-ended questions.
4. Swim with the flow. Reflex activity from what was heard with questions and reactions.
5. If you do not know something - admit it.
6. Do not draw parallels with the experience of the interlocutor. All stories are unique, like personalities.
7. Do not repeat what has been said.
8. Avoid the details. Do not go into details, especially those that take time to remember them.
9. Listen to each other, not for the purpose of answering.
10. Be as brief as a mini skirt.
Her rules are so ridiculous and i can have great conversations by breaking them. Who is she to tell us what not to do or what to do to have a conversation. Some people repeat themselves when they talk, its not a bad thing. Some people like to relate with others by sharing a similar experience and often people like that.
no. 8, probably is my biggest sticking point of conversation.
we are constantly trying to come out with best materials to talk about
and we falsely believed best things often come with best details.
especially when it comes to talk with women, most of them respond with emotions. Only nice guys, do, persuade them with book cover intelligence.
I enjoyed this because I learned something here , I want to be better at conversing with people i meet and not fall into the pitfalls that she's pointed out . Honing ones skills is something I always have strived for whatever the endeavor and I've heard some good points here to be conscience of when conversing .